Look at Me Here
by Kionkitchee
Summary: Akutagawa hated Nakajima Atsushi because Dazai prefers him. Then, he changed his mind for only one purpose. More inside.


**Look at Me Here**

Part 1 of **Blind Devotion**

Bungou Stray Dogs fan fiction by Kyou Kionkitchee

 **Disclaimer:** BSD isn't mine

 **Pairings:** onesided!DazaiAku from Akutagawa's part, onesided!AkuAtsu from Atsushi's part

 **Genre:** Drama/Romance

 **Warnings:** major character death (at least in this part), OOC, grammatical errors, if you don't like just turn back and don't read it anymore.

 **-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke admired Dazai Osamu. No. He ADMIRES him. So, when the said man left Port Mafia, his world crumbling down. Furthermore, upon hearing that man was taking in a new subordinate and gloated _it_ in front of him as a better one, his heart broke. Shattered like a fragile mirror.

He decided to hate it. He wanted to hate it. He needed to hate it. He must hate it.

It stole his ex-mentor. It stole his former senior's attention... not when he didn't get that to begin with.

That's why, he hated it.

It. _Jinko_. Man-tiger. Nakajima Atsushi.

Whenever he saw it, he wanted to fight it. Wherever he passed it, he wanted to crush it. Whatever came guiding their uneventful meeting, he wanted to kill it.

Then, _someday_ came changing his mind.

He was put into a comatose state by its hands. When he regained his consciousness, he vowed to get revenge. However, the situation was a hectic one and somehow the Port Mafia and Detective Agency set a forced truce to fight down an enemy.

He was paired up with it.

Rage. Confusion. Anxiety. Hatred. They became one. He didn't know why it happened and who set them... ah, he probably knew that. Who else than that suicide-maniac ex-member of Port Mafia? He shouldn't have to doubt. The real question was the first: why?

Why him and it?

Did Dazai want to boast his new junior, the better one? Did he want to rub it good on his face? Did he want to show off that it was way too good to be left alone and rot in the darkness?

Like he did him.

Damn. He hated it more and more and worst, he started to hate his ex-mentor too. Why can't he see him better before? Why can't he stay with him before? Why can't he?

Then, he saw something that makes his blood ran cold.

Dazai smiled genuinely at it. He caressed its cheek and stroke its hair softly. He laughed at its attempt to deliver humor. Then he saw it with fondness in his eyes.

There was a pang in his already broken heart. There were crushing thuds in his punctured lungs. There were wild and uncontrolled butterflies in his scarred stomach. And his body was in a turmoil, sweaty and trembling.

Why? Really... that's the only question he has. Why? Why? Why? Why can't he get Dazai to do the same to him? Why can't he capture Dazai's attention? Why can't he make Dazai see him and be proud? Why can't he get Dazai to acknowledge him? Why? Why? WHY?

WHAT DID DAZAI SEE IN NAKAJIMA ATSUSHI THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE?

Now, that was simple. That man-tiger was kind and stupid. That white haired softy was weak and pitiable. That orphan kid was compassionate and lovable.

It was beautiful. No. He. Nakajima Atsushi. He was beautiful. He was everything that Akutagawa Ryuunosuke was not. That's why Dazai likes him, prefers him.

Then, he stopped. He decided to stop hating him. He tried to stop his hatred and revenge. He tried to perish his blaming. He tried to vanish his bad intentions toward him.

He started to help him. He started to protect him. He started to shield him. He started to care for him. He started to chase away his fears. He started to wipe his tears. He started to wish him a good health, companion and life.

Akutagawa decided to be a better person around Nakajima Atsushi. He decided to prove himself as a better partner than he was before. He did that with only one purpose that he kept deep inside his already shattered heart.

Dazai, unfortunately, realized his intention because he was confronted and cornered.

"I know your real trick towards Atsushi-kun, Akutagawa." He didn't call him with _-kun_ anymore, showing his annoyance and perhaps anger toward him. "Mind my words. If you hurt Atsushi-kun more than you have done, you'll regret your life the most." And then bluntly _saying_ he was a threat.

Dazai, don't you know he already regretted his life the most?

He just nodded and saw the man left him alone in a dark valley. And his world stopped again. His mind, body, breath... they're stopping for a moment. Then, they worked again, trying to built his whole once more. He decided to stay on his track-or _trick_ as Dazai said. So long as his life was still intact, he won't stop. Not now not ever... till his very last breath which can be blown anytime...

courtesy to man-tiger actions that he was prone to danger caused by himself.

There were so many times and occasions that made him had to save that careless and self-sacrifice _jinko_. He saved him from the blink of death itself... almost failed in the process several times.

Tired, he felt, but can't stop doing what he has started. Not until he accomplish his one purpose. He would laugh in irony if he could. He couldn't, though.

One day, they encountered a very powerful enemy. They have every difficulties when facing it and he must admit that he cannot maintain protection upon his partner. He tried although Nakajima yelled he should not concern about him but himself. Because he was badly injured. Because he was bleeding everywhere. Because he was panting heavily and coughing nonstop, throwing blood all over the mess. Because he was already half dead. And because reinforcement was on their way there.

 _Hang on. Hold on. Don't die on me._ Those messages came from Nakajima.

Akutagawa was a very stubborn man. He couldn't let go of his intention easily. Thus, he practically threw himself in front of an unexpected attack towards his partner.

Pain. Unbearable pain sliced him open. It torn him and devoured his very being. And then he knew his time is almost over.

He didn't hear his partner screaming at him, wanting him to stay with him as he held his colder body. He didn't recognize that reinforcements have come to save the day. He didn't realize that his former mentor in Port Mafia was shielding them, and spare a glance towards him in a concern manner. He only saw sparkling tears pouring from purple-yellowish iris then dropped themselves on his pale cheeks. And he didn't like that.

Slowly, painfully, he willed his last energy to bring his fingers to wipe those tears away. Then whispered.

"Don't cry... Nakajima... You'll make Dazai-san sad..."

He dropped his hand and felt darkness closing on him.

"You... are precious... to Dazai-san..."

Then, he was no more.

Atsushi was stunned in silence of his own world. He was paralyzed. Unmoving. Unblinking. Repeating those words again and again in his mind unconsciously. With tears still pouring out from his eyes, he can't help his mind to stop repeating the same words again and again. He was stabbed icily and hotly at the same time. It was like his heart was crushed, crumpled then teared away, ripped in pieces, rot on a dump.

That was his reason? His purpose? For all of his protection, caring and tenderness, that was his real intention? Because he, Nakajima Atsushi, is precious to Osamu Dazai?

His former enemy, still partner, crush and the love of his life, Akutagawa Ryuunosuke, did all of those things because he is FUCKING PRECIOUS to Dazai?!

Atsushi screamed out his lungs. Louder and louder he did for his curses upon this unfair reality. He screamed and screeched like a bawling banshee. Then painfully howling like a lone beaten up dog holding its very small being in a vast, unforgiving life. He enveloped Akutagawa's body with his arms, rocking slightly as if the said man was sleeping and he didn't want him to be disturbed.

His heart was stomped on unmercifully then tossed away scarcely. He stopped crying a river but sobbing shakily.

Enemy had been defeated. Port Mafia and Detective Agency gathered by their own name while Dazai stood still in front of his subordinates... one was alive and the other was not.

"Dazai-san,"

He heard his name was said brokenly by Atsushi.

"Forgive me... but I hate you so much."

He knew that. He realized that. He had already prepared himself for this very-last-in-his-list outcome.

"I hate you!"

 _If you don't want him, let me have him!_

Dazai knew that secret hope. He just has to take it himself... and embraces the blame.

 **-.-.-END-.-.-**

My first BSD fanfic. Parallel post in AO3 with the same account. Perhaps I'll make a sequel. RnR?

 **_KIONKITCHEE_**


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